Hubby and I have had a really tough time the past month or so. With his busy schedule, and my semi-single-mom status while he's in school, we just can't seem to break out of the arguing habit. There have been several revelations from long talks we've had trying to reconnect, some good, some bad.
The thing is, over a period of time couples start taking each other for granted. I believe it's human nature. After 17 years together we have a lot of skeletons pushed back in the far corner of the closet and I can't stand not being able to let them go.
I, in particular, have had some major issues with jealousy, resentment, martyrdom, inability to express myself, lack of affection and just generally needing to grow up. I've found that the growing up never stops and I feel like I've learned so much just in the past five years about myself and my relationships.
I've done a lot of self-examination lately and I feel a lot of guilt for the way I've acted out in the past and want to put it behind me and just be a better wife, NOW, when I have some clue about the negative behaviors I've developed over the years. I have to give a lot of props for the two years of therapy I recently went through that taught me to express myself and to take care of my own needs as well as those of my family. It has been a proud accomplishment for me, with so many ups and downs inbetween, to say that I can handle life's stresses comfortably most of the time and no longer need regular therapy.
Thinking back to the reasons I knew my hubby would be my life partner, I recall his silly, playful nature, his quick smile, his willingness to help others, his devotion, and the pure love that we had for one another. The pure love did not contain jealousy, resentment or anger but instead was filled with sincere adoration, well wishes and a desire to support each other in every way that we could - happily and without resentment.
This is the kind of wife I want to be--once again celebrating each of life's blessings with true joy. I now realize that everything he does needs not always make me happy - that he's entitled to his own happiness even if it differs from my own idea of happiness - and in doing so we will make an even stronger, supportive team.
I could go on and on about Hubby's positive qualities that far outweigh any of our current difficulties, but suffice it to say that I believe he'd do anything for me and that makes me one very lucky girl.
I have managed to become content with these thoughts and can already feel a change for the better. I feel more confident, joyful & blessed just thinking back to those early stages of love and all of the commitment that occurred along the way. Each day is another reason to celebrate that.