THURSDAY THOUGHTS - Love, Laugh, Learn and Live

It's been awhile since I've posted some Thursday Thoughts and I am just shaking my head because I feel like I have a million things I want to share. It appears that when I'm up I'm golden and when I'm feeling down, I feel pretty much worthless. I hate the ups and downs, but it's been four weeks since I stopped the Prozac and I have felt MUCH more clear-headed and focused. That I love! The bad news is that this past week has been a bit emotional for me, especially considering my hormones were doing some really crazy things at the same time. I've managed quite well though despite LOTS of tiredness and napping. I have to tell myself that feeling emotional is normal. Now HOW emotional is normal is an entirely different question. One that I'm still trying to answer.

We traveled to my parents' house on Saturday to celebrate Easter with the family. It was a pleasant day all around. Sunshine, good food, wine, bubbles and candy. It's all good. This holiday also went by without my heart pining for my sister. That's especially notable since Easter was the last holiday she hosted before her death, and it is nearly the 3rd anniversary since she died. I really do think the third year is when things start to get better.

Sunday Katie and I went to see this:
while the boys went to see Monsters vs. Aliens. (Boys...!) We hadn't eaten dinner so we each had a HUGE tub of popcorn to split with the kids. My crush with Miley Cyrus got even bigger while watching this movie. She's such a beautiful young girl who seems to have a buttload of potential. At this point I'm not sure if I or my daughter likes her more. I loved this movie and cried THREE times (yes...THREE!) during the movie. Ugh.

The kids had spring break last week. It was mostly quiet for all of us. DH and I each took some time off of work to watch them during the week so that we could avoid the daycare costs. It was so nice to be able to sleep in a few days last week!

Last night hubby and I watched this:

I didn't just cry watching this, no, I absolutely BAWLED. There are so many things that pluck at the heart strings here...I had to take a few deep breaths at the end of the movie just to stop crying.

I may be strange but I love movies that make me cry.

I adore Will Smith. Seriously, almost all of his movies are favorites of mine. I'm crushing on him big time right now....

Finally, hubby introduced me to a native Minnesota band called Atmosphere. I've been listening to their "When Life Gives You Lemons ... " CD. The lyrics are very powerful and moving. Again with the emotions and the heart strings. I just can't seem to stop feeling every little thing these days. Their lyrics remind me a bit of a song I'd been writing a few weeks ago. I was proud of it, but DH didn't quite know what to make of it. It *is* very hard to imagine a song with lyrics only. I need to find a good composer to make these words come alive.

But the heavy emotions are what I need to WRITE. I have actually had the desire to write again and, not only that, but FEEL THE MAGIC OF WRITING that seems to take over when things flow easily. It's almost blissful.

So....URBAN ANTHOLOGY...I'm still hanging in there. The elimination is about to happen but I'm feeling pretty confident. I'm totally living by the "If it's meant to be, it will be" philosophy when it comes to my scrapping though. No pressure there, just fun and creativity for me.

I'm hoping .... nope, scratch that ... next time I write Thursday Thoughts I will have gotten some serious writing done. I took a lesson from Seven Pounds to live life as if each day might be your last. I will love, laugh, learn and live as if it were a gift. I'll catch 'ya up on the top!

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - Who Am I?

I'm just going to admit something right up front here. My motivation lately has been zero. It's been a struggle to do the daily things in life, and my desire for more is simply not there. I'd be okay sleeping the day away if I could. That is not the me I want to be.

I have been feeling that my anti-depressants are not working properly any longer. Last time I visited my doctor we increased the dosage to see if that would help. It hasn't. I will be seeing him again in a couple of weeks and we'll have to look at trying a new medication. I hate having to take pills, but I'm afraid I'm stuck with them forever.

My first and only prior bout with depression was over 14 years ago and it was MILD, so mild compared to what I'm dealing with now. It was gone and I was med free for 11 years and suddenly...WHAM....welcome to insanity. The doctors tell me that clinical depression can reappear over one's lifetime and each time it is often worse...I just can't take that chance. I want everyone to hear me on this: If you are not feeling happy then you need to get help! Therapy helps wonders. Believe me, I went for about 2 years before I started realizing it's benefits and now I am able to deal with these issues before things (me) get out of control. If you don't know my story and are dealing with these issues, I'd welcome an email to talk with you further. Suffice it to say that I have learned all of this the hard way.

Now, off of the depressing talk and on to happier things.

I've often wondered if it's possible to wake up one day and be an entirely different person. Have you ever felt like you just aren't the person you were meant to be? I have felt that way for awhile now. Actually since I really got into scrapbooking. I feel such a pull in the artistic direction but so much of my time and talent is spent elsewhere. I love my job and what I do, but it doesn't make my heart sing.

I dream of color, drawing and composition that is unique and free and fun, but when I sit down at my desk to scrap, I often feel stifled. I'm not sure how to break out of this other than to not "try" to create something but just "play" with it. (You know, not expecting to create a masterpiece.) I haven't quite gotten the hang of that yet. This is where I'd like to wake up one day and be free of my own inhibitions.

I want to be a writer. I mean a PUBLISHED writer. I've got two novels in the works but they are waiting for me to give them my full love and devotion. Writing is miraculous when it "flows" but awfully hard when it doesn't. I pray for divine intervention to come and take over my brain and give me the push to achieve this goal. In the meantime, I've been working hard to simplify my life to allow me to spend more time writing and less time wasting. Somehow in all of this I feel like a completed novel is something I'm meant to achieve, and therefore I don't feel a lot of pressure to produce quickly. This can be a great excuse to procrastinate and I'm apparently good at that!

But I just had an AHA! moment. I'd like to try songwriting. It combines two of my loves...writing and music. I have NO idea if I can write song lyrics, but I'd at least like to learn more about it and give it a try. The thought of it truly has made my heart burst with excitement. This is something I can work on at random moments throughout the day and don't have to worry about having the time to set aside for it. It will also keep me in a writer's mindset throughout much of the day and likely help out in the novel writing as well.

Let the ideas come, I am ready.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - Rejection With a Side of Whiplash

I'm feeling sorry for myself today. It isn't any one thing, but just the way I'm feeling. This would be a great time to turn my emotions into writing my novel but I haven't been able to harness that yet. In the meantime, I'm working on snapping myself out of it.

My body hurts. We are dealing with treacherous ice conditions here and I fell on it Tuesday. It must have looked quite hilarious as both feet flew out in front of me and I fell flat on my back and head with my glasses flying off. I've never fallen so quickly or without a chance to try to prevent falling. It just happened. I think I fell perfectly as no one area got the brunt of it, but I've been hurting all over since then. I have a bruise on my butt and the front and side of my neck hurts really bad. I think I got some whiplash. You don't realize how much you use your neck until something like this happens. Each day I'm feeling a bit better and hoping the blow to my head didn't make my brain damage worse than it already was. (kidding)

The announcement for Create My Keepsake's design team was announced yesterday and I was not chosen. (Boo hooo!) I'm disappointed, naturally, but it's still a great place to be and I'm looking forward to seeing what the design team comes up with to inspire me! I'm not quite sure what I'll do at this point as far as looking into some other DT's. There are some possibilities I'm interested in but need to decide if it's what I want since CMK is where I really want to design. There is a great sense of freedom not carrying any design obligations but it also one of my greatest sources of inspiration and determination. I work best with goals and a schedule and I think I need to maintain that somehow.

Lastly, each year Ali Edwards challenges us to choose one word to represent your life in the coming year. I had not planned to choose one this year but one kept sneaking into my thoughts over the weekend and I think it totally fits where my heart is right now. My word is: SIMPLIFY. It is a paring down of material goods, as well as getting my home to a place where I love every little bit of it and truly focusing on the things that are important to me. I've been working toward this goal at an inspiring pace so far...I'll just keep going...one step at a time. I'm blessed to have you by my side.

Welcome to 2009!!!

Happy New Year!!!!
I took this photo last June at a friend's graduation party. I had so much fun trying to capture fireworks with my new camera. Doesn't it look fab?? I could never have done this with my old camera.

So...it was just Hubby, Son and I last night. Daughter spent the night at a girlfriend's house. To make it special for K, we pulled out the sofa sleeper and piled it with blankets and pillows. We ordered pizza and watched movies and played games. Ate way too much and Hubby and I had a couple of mandarin orange martinis using a box of the kids' Juicy Juice, Cointreau and Malibu...yummy!!! We watched the Dick Clark Rockin' New Years and saw him come on later in the night...OMG...what happened to him? Did he have a stroke or something? He was nothing like I'd remembered him but I do greatly admire his courage and dedication to his work. Oh yeah...and Kellie Pickler was doing the Times Square interviews and she totally annoyed the heck out of me. She was like screaming her questions all night and that got totally annoying. (I don't know her from American Idol so this is the first time I'd seen her.)

I was the only one awake to see the New Year come in at our house, but that was long enough and I was off to bed.

I woke up around 9:45 AM...OMG...that's just crazy late around my house. Unfortunately, I woke up to a phone call from my mom telling me that my Grandma was rushed to the hospital early this morning. She's almost 98 years old and one of the strongest women I know, but this may be the end for her. It may be a blessing depending on how the next few days go. It's been hard to see her mobility and independence diminish to a point that we know she can't be happy anymore. She said she's been praying for God to come and take her so I'll send up my own little prayer that if this is her time that she go quickly and peacefully and that her current suffering doesn't linger or worsen.

I've been giving a lot of thought to my goals for 2009. I'll make them but always have a super hard time sticking to them. So this year I want to make sure that I make goals that I can keep. Hopefully this short list will be the start of me walking the path to my long-held dreams. No more excuses. Here they are:

1. Exercise a minimum of twice a week
2. Take at least one picture every day this year. (Preferrably these would end up in a scrapbook, but I'm not commiting to that.)
3. Write my novel on a consistent schedule.

I've been aligning my life to meet these goals so I'm confident that I can achieve them. Here's hoping to an incredible 2009...and perhaps my best year EVER! Happy New Year!!!

Merry Christmas from an Errant Poster

Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope you had a fantastic holiday! Mine was full of family as well as some not to pleasant drama but I survived and I'm here to tell the tale! Ha! Seriously, families can be a pain in the ass sometimes and I'd rather not retell the tale but just know that I still love each and every one of my family members and it was good to see them again.

Part of the drama in the family is that both Hubby's Dad and his Grandma both suffered a stroke a few days apart from each other about three weeks ago. They are both doing well but it did throw some kinks into our Christmas get-togethers this year. Grandma won't be back to 100% since she fell and fractured her pelvis during the stroke and then had a second stroke while she was in the hospital. She does have some brain damage and will not be able to live independently anymore and that will be a big change for her.

That and I think money was also another source of stress for some. Everyone cut back this year, and some couldn't afford gifts at all, so there was a bit of wounded pride. Even though we all know that giving gifts isn't the real meaning of Christmas, it does make us feel good to give to others this time of year.

Now I'm starting to think about the New Year. Do you make resolutions? I normally write up a new set of goals each year. The past year or two have been really lackluster as far as my efforts and determination have gone. I'm hoping to get things back on track in 2009 as I say goodbye to my ScrapFriends gig (and hopefully hello to the CMK design team instead). Either way I've got plans.....whoooaaaa ha ha ha!! Can you feel the evil laughter?

I'll spend a bit of time writing down my goals. I hope you'll join in and share yours with me.

And...before I go...a little layout for you:

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - December Delights

I know, I know...it's been like forever since I posted. Bad me!!

Life has been good. I had an excellent Thanksgiving and gracefully it was the first one since my sister died that I didn't feel like my day was totally missing something...and what right did I have to be celebrating anyway??

I also visited my BIL and his new girlfriend in the house he and my sister had lived in for the first time since she passed...it was long overdue but still caused me some panic and anxiety. Would the house look the same? Would I feel my sister around me? What would I think of his new girlfriend? I've missed seeing the kids sooo much so I focused on them and did really enjoy the time together.

I guess the third year is the one for me where things start to settle in a bit.

This is my last month at ScrapFriends and my assignments are near completion. The January reviews will be assigned soon and I'll get to see all I'll be missing. It is so bittersweet. I have many thoughts of creative ideas and being able to really do what I want to do just for the fun of it soon and that has me very excited. Perhaps this will finally be my chance to clean my scrap room a bit and use up some of my old stuff.

I just finished a review for Claudine Hellmuth's Collage Textures and Techniques DVD which will be published on ScrapFriends in about a week. It inspired me to create the new header for my blog. I used the petroleum jelly technique as a resist for the paint on the ART letter pieces. Whaddaya think?

This month's big project is applying for the Create My Keepsake DT call. It is the one I mentioned in my earlier post. I've been a lurker and shopper there for a long time but have only recently been participating in their forum. I LOVE how interactive the site is, the owner is top notch, the store ROCKS and the ladies are super talented. I see that some members have applied to the DT for many years without success....ack! I may not make the cut, but it is truly what I wish for more than anything else. I'm busy putting together my kit for the entry and will be posting it and my projects in another week or two. I'm hoping the creative fairy stops by and gives my work that extra something. :D

Oh yes, we also got our first big snowstorm last night and today. I think we got around 7" of snow and the schools closed. Our schools are notorious for staying open no matter what so it is a really big deal when they close! It was so windy and snowy that I didn't even bother trying to make it into work.

Later...

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - Big Decisions

I have just made a very big and difficult decision...December will be my last month with the ScrapFriends review team. I've been with them for two years now and feel ready for a change.

I don't want to stop scrapping professionally altogether. I'd like to work with a kit club or manufacturer that will involve a little less time commitment and allow me to have time to work on my writing. I have several manufacturer's I'm interested in: Bo Bunny, Cosmo Cricket, Sassafras Lass and Sandylion. There is one kit club in particular that I'm hoping to be offered a design team position. They will be having a design team call any day now so that I can put in my application and pray, REALLY hard.

The most monumental aspect of this is my real commitment to writing. I dream of becoming a published author but have never really put myself in a position to achieve that. I've always let other things get in the way. So, now I am taking a proactive step to work toward that goal. It is scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - The Path I've Chosen

Hey everyone....

Last week was a tough one for me...no particular reason...but it was rough. I felt *off* in every way possible on Friday and ended up going home sick. I slept for a couple hours in the afternoon and woke up feeling better. I completely miss the days when I had more energy...insomnia or not...I felt much more alive than I have been feeling lately. I am just about due for a med. checkup with my psych. and sense an increased dosage will be helpful for me.

I am starting to feel that energy perk up just a bit and along with it has come some clarity. I've been weighing some very big decisions lately, particularly about scrapping and writing, and where I want to go with my creativity. I have always felt propelled to continue scrapping and writing but how I choose to do that has not been clear to me. I have been able to narrow my focus on these goals and it has brought major relief and increased energy along with it.

There are a couple of things I'm working on that I can't reveal at the moment but I am praying deeply that my focus is now in the right place. If things all come together the way I'd like to, there will be tremendous peace for me to look forward to. I am stoked.

One proud accomplishment is attending a writing workshop this past weekend. It was extremely invigorating and I was surrounded by a room full of creative & kind souls. It felt surreal. And it also brought me great joy and peace.

The funny thing is the conversation I had with Hubby a couple weeks ago about my need for making more friends who focus on creativity like I do. I need that comfort and sense that I belong somewhere. For a shy soul like me this is a bit of work, but the rewards are oh so nurturing and I'm starting to learn that.

The cool thing is that literally the day after I had that conversation with my Hubby, a good friend of mine who I do not talk to frequently invited me to the writing workshop. It felt like confirmation that I am finally doing what is meant to be. How cool is that??

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - Refocusing (yes, again)

I was sitting typing my thoughts and feelings on Wednesday so that I could share them with you but before I was finished, I accidentally closed it without saving. My thoughts encompassed scrapping (what else is there??) and my insatiable need for praise and recognition. This need has me jumping at every opportunity that I feel might suit me.

Most of my family, friends and coworkers offer little in the way of encouragement and recognition. My own Hubby has nothing more than a passing interest in my creations, my endeavors, my dreams. It leads me to seek that outside recognition from my online friends, design teams and contest submissions. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does make me feel weak and lacking inside from time to time. I get that feeling sorry for myself sense once in awhile and I hate that.

I think there is a fine line between this being a hobby and a job. Responsibilities lead to more deadlines which leads to a more job-like feel. I have to sit back and remember what I’m doing it all for–my family. They are what’s most important to me. I have to learn to rein myself back in and stay focused on those values.

I’ve given myself a few rules to follow, in order of importance:

1. Make the most of my time on the ScrapFriends review team. It is my home base.
2. Do not apply for design team positions for the rest of 2008.
3. If I’ve accomplished my first two rules, I am allowed to apply for guest design team positions or contests but only to a few select places: One Little Word, ColorStory, Serendipity Scrapbooks, Create My Keepsakes and several manufacturers that I love: BasicGrey, Tinkering Ink, Rusty Pickle, Making Memories and Sassafras Lass. This list may change a bit from time to time, but the importance of this rule is that I am not jumping at any opportunity that comes along.
4. And, lastly, and perhaps the hardest for me, do NOT buy any more scrap goodies beyond The Scarlet Lime monthly kit. I will use up my stash. I will use any contests I am able to enter as a possible source of earning new supplies. I will continue to sell my unused scrap supplies.
   

I work best with structure and I’m hoping that this structure helps me focus and gives me a greater sense of satisfaction. I’ll let you know.

New Year = New You

2008...it's so hard to believe! It got me thinking, is it possible to start the new year with a new you? Decide to put all of your faults behind you and become a new and improved you? We hear about resolutions to lose weight, exercise or quit smoking but how about resolving not to criticize and complain? Decide to break free from shyness once and for all? Being caring toward friends and strangers alike? Deciding that this is your year to totally ROCK. A year that will define the rest of your life.

I have some regular goals and some personality changing goals for myself in 2008. My goals include:

• taking a picture and journaling about each day
• completing my novel
• continue with Tai Chi
• my shy self has been put to rest, it's time to open up and share the love
• 275 scrapbook pages
• write one how-to each month
• just totally ROCK!

2008 is going to be a stellar year. I will make sure of it. I am at the wheel of my destiny and I'm driving, no, speeding toward my dreams. Wanna come along?