March 5, 2009

THURSDAY THOUGHTS - Who Am I?

I'm just going to admit something right up front here. My motivation lately has been zero. It's been a struggle to do the daily things in life, and my desire for more is simply not there. I'd be okay sleeping the day away if I could. That is not the me I want to be.

I have been feeling that my anti-depressants are not working properly any longer. Last time I visited my doctor we increased the dosage to see if that would help. It hasn't. I will be seeing him again in a couple of weeks and we'll have to look at trying a new medication. I hate having to take pills, but I'm afraid I'm stuck with them forever.

My first and only prior bout with depression was over 14 years ago and it was MILD, so mild compared to what I'm dealing with now. It was gone and I was med free for 11 years and suddenly...WHAM....welcome to insanity. The doctors tell me that clinical depression can reappear over one's lifetime and each time it is often worse...I just can't take that chance. I want everyone to hear me on this: If you are not feeling happy then you need to get help! Therapy helps wonders. Believe me, I went for about 2 years before I started realizing it's benefits and now I am able to deal with these issues before things (me) get out of control. If you don't know my story and are dealing with these issues, I'd welcome an email to talk with you further. Suffice it to say that I have learned all of this the hard way.

Now, off of the depressing talk and on to happier things.

I've often wondered if it's possible to wake up one day and be an entirely different person. Have you ever felt like you just aren't the person you were meant to be? I have felt that way for awhile now. Actually since I really got into scrapbooking. I feel such a pull in the artistic direction but so much of my time and talent is spent elsewhere. I love my job and what I do, but it doesn't make my heart sing.

I dream of color, drawing and composition that is unique and free and fun, but when I sit down at my desk to scrap, I often feel stifled. I'm not sure how to break out of this other than to not "try" to create something but just "play" with it. (You know, not expecting to create a masterpiece.) I haven't quite gotten the hang of that yet. This is where I'd like to wake up one day and be free of my own inhibitions.

I want to be a writer. I mean a PUBLISHED writer. I've got two novels in the works but they are waiting for me to give them my full love and devotion. Writing is miraculous when it "flows" but awfully hard when it doesn't. I pray for divine intervention to come and take over my brain and give me the push to achieve this goal. In the meantime, I've been working hard to simplify my life to allow me to spend more time writing and less time wasting. Somehow in all of this I feel like a completed novel is something I'm meant to achieve, and therefore I don't feel a lot of pressure to produce quickly. This can be a great excuse to procrastinate and I'm apparently good at that!

But I just had an AHA! moment. I'd like to try songwriting. It combines two of my loves...writing and music. I have NO idea if I can write song lyrics, but I'd at least like to learn more about it and give it a try. The thought of it truly has made my heart burst with excitement. This is something I can work on at random moments throughout the day and don't have to worry about having the time to set aside for it. It will also keep me in a writer's mindset throughout much of the day and likely help out in the novel writing as well.

Let the ideas come, I am ready.

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